How to show up for teens when big emotions arise

Being a teenager is hard. Every day holds the possibility of emotional highs and lows, and parents don't always know how to be supportive.

Clinical psychologist Lisa Damour says instead of jumping into problem-solving mode, parents can learn to ride the wave of emotional management with their teens.

NPR's Rachel Martin speaks with Damour about her book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents. Here are some of Damour's takeaways:

• Remember that adolescence is a demanding developmental stage. Damour says one of the best gifts you can give a teen is to be a steady presence and lead with curiosity and empathy.

• When a teen is experiencing low self-esteem, Damour says reassurance doesn't work nearly as well as we would like. Instead, Damour suggests empathizing with how the teen feels. Try saying, "You know that's not true, but it must feel awful to feel that way." 

• Another tactic to help a teen experiencing a big feeling is to give them space. Damour suggests something like, "Why don't we call that your first reaction? And why don't we see if a second reaction comes along?"

• Talking about emotions is good, but there can be a tipping point when talking too much about feelings. In this situation, Damour suggests comforting and then shifting a teen who's overprocessing their emotions into a healthy distraction. Suggest doing an activity they enjoy and revisit the issue the next day. 

• For the teen who doesn't talk about their feelings, Damour reminds parents that there are healthy non-verbal ways to process emotions. Listening to music, playing sports and making art are healthy ways for teens to work through emotions that don't involve having a discussion. 

• Be encouraged when your teen handles their emotions in a healthy way that brings relief and does no harm. But Damour notes that when a teen's feelings are out of proportion and they're using destructive behaviors — like acting out or drug abuse — to cope, it's time to step in and give more support or seek professional help. 

Hear more advice on supporting a teen through emotional highs and lows in the podcast episode at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Destinee Adams and Meghan Keane. Meghan Keane also adapted the story for digital. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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